Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Pretty Good Year(s)

My 30th birthday has come and gone... as my twenty's end i am thinking so much more about the years that have lead to this point then i did when i turned 20. Teenage years are so important but your twenties- everything changes. Being 30 I don't think is about being seen as an adult or finally facing reality and "growing up" we are defined by our actions and as I have been saying for sometime- our choices and what we do with the responsibility given to us as citizens of the earth and humanity.

Since, I have been thinking so much about it I thought that I would make a list of the top moments that have defined my 20's. So self indulgent. But, I am always trying to be better, love harder, be kinder.

so, here it goes. In no particular order. I tried date order... but that didn't work.

1. I graduate from SUNY Stony Brook University and move to Albany, NY alone to work on my masters. I wanted to go to grad school. I was excited about it. I worked... like a dog. I took nearly double the required credits per semester. I wanted to come home. It taught me about independence, perseverance, possibilities and friendship. I met my dear friend Amy Nolan- who I will always remember- came looking for me.  I write and complete my thesis in 3 months- while working nearly full time as a medical assistant at Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic. I graduate.

2. I get food poisoning and vomit while driving home from work in a snow storm. I vomit for 5 hours while driving into a wide mouth plastic water bottle. I vomit all over the Northern State Parkway and the Hicksville Train Station. After this i refused to be referred to by anything but "bad ass".

3. I get a job as a Grassroots Organizer at Planned Parenthood. I work with the legendary Nanna Fecteau. I am mentored and learn. I fight the good fight.

4. My grandfather dies. 

5. My aunt dies. Leaving a trail of grief miles long. 

6. My grandmother dies. After everything I learn a very valuable lesson. Death presents us with a fork in the road. One path allows us to be better, do better, grow. The other path allows us to be miserable. To have an excuse to be horrible, do bad and expect our misery to be an answer for our misdeeds in life. I happily witness the the first path in people i love.

7. Two important people in my life are paralyzed with grief. I work to help them. I often cry feeling I am steering them wrong. I think sometimes I did. I hope I got it right more often.

8. My brother moves to Scarsdale. I see him less and less. I am heartbroken. I think it brings us closer. My heart un-breaks as he finds love and I gain a sister.

9. My cousin moves to San Diego. I cry for two days. After all we'd been through together. Separation of the "fantastic five" seems so much more painful. Being in the same state is one thing, across the country is another.

10. Infinity tattoos bond us forever.

11. I get married. After 12 years of sin living- we finally tie the knot.  I am deeply, madly in love. It takes my breathe away.

12. I get pregnant. Everything changes. I dream of a lost friend. I find her pregnant with a little girl too.  Her friendship is healing, loving. She is exceptional in all ways. 

13. Reilly is born. Everything you imagine it to be, it is forever better than you expect. Everything I am, do is for her. She is the greatest, most amazing, wonderful person on earth. I am changed. I am alive. There is an answer, a why, the realization of all things good in the world.

14. I get a job at the Suffolk County Coalition Against Domestic Violence as the Community Educator. My boss calls me the "HUB". I act as such. I LOVE everyone i work with. Or more so, I am in love with them. I am happy, things change. I quit.

15. I get a job teaching at Suffolk County Community College. I see light bulbs go off. I am FOREVER and constantly changed by teaching. 

16. At my wedding, as Sean says "I do" I hear a tiny noise from my maid of honor. I am held up, grateful, joyful in so many ways by the noises from this throat.

17. I am called out for bad behavior. I am forced to look at myself for what I have done and become. Torn by resentment I can no longer move forward without healing my wrongs. I try. 

18. My uncle smashes my grandparents mini grand with a hammer. The sound is a sinking ship.

19. My father spends a night in the hospital with chest pain. He asks for cookies.

20. After giving birth my mom gently combs my hair.

21. While giving birth Sean whispers something in my ear. I will never forget it.

There are so many more... This is just a sample. Thanks for letting me indulge and reading. I hope of you'll think of moments that have defined you.
Good bye twenties- rest in peace.